lazii ass females

this shyt reallii pisses me off..i havent even made it to the fleet yeat and i alreadii gotta deal wit these lazii ass females. in my maintenance class there is this chick A..we went to bootcamp togetha and have been in 3 schools togetha so far. well aniiway the one thyng i cant stand about her that makes me dislyke her..and not want to hang wit her after knowin her for ova a year now is the fact that she is a lazii ass female that uses men in class and that she meats to do wat she wants. in class she neva wants to work..here i am the onlii otha female in the class liftin heavii ass equipment and scrapin and cuttin my hands up cuz sometymes that shyt happens on the job..but this bitch always finds away to sit on her ass and do as little as possible..she always sayin shyt lyke..its too heavii for me to lift, or this is too tight can you get it..or i cant put this bakk on..she always cryin to the males in our class to do the work for her. its crazii cuz she isnt that prettii i mean she has a nice ass for a white girl but her nose fukks her face up..and this men be doin wateva she say..the shyt jus pisses me off. but we got a new instructor and he dont play that shyt he makes her work..but the males in my class was still doin her work for her til about a month ago when they realized wat she was doin..so now she onlii has two guys that will help her.
the thyng that pisses me off the most about her is that she isnt the onlii female out there thats lyke that..im sure when i get to my ship there will be a females thats jus lyke A..and the fact that males allow them to skate is ridiculous..its crazii cuz the first instructor we had was lyke her..she was lazii as shyt and she neva knew exactlii how to do wat she was supposed to be teachin us..she used to tell us about how all the males in her shop would make her do all the work cuz she was a female..at first i felt bad for her..wondered if i was gonna get the same type of treatment..i might..but at the same tyme i bet they treated her that way because she was lazii as shyt. i thynk that i will be fine..i mean if i work hard and do my job i shouldnt have a problem wit the males in my shop..
these females still piss me the fukk off..havin to work wit them and jus seein the way they flirt with and lead boys on jus to get wat they want out of them..but at the same tyme i cant change her or the males that do her work for her..all i can do is do the work assigned to me and show everiione in my shop that i am a good tech and that i can be that tech that ppl call on when they cant fix wats wrong with their system..
but should i get one of these females in my shop im not gonna put up wit it cuz that shyt is madd unfair and im not about to do more work cuz some bitch thynk she dont have to do anii..

wearin a uniform everiiday

yo onlii once in my lyfe have i wore a uniform because i had to..team sports in school was different i wanted to wear that uniform as a part of a team..then i worked at safeway for about 3 weeks and wore a uniform there. but now..being in the navy i wear a uniform everii single day..and its crazii to wake up in the mornin and put on the same thyng 4 days a week and wear it all day lookin lyke everiione else wearin the same thyng..and thynk nothin of it..i mean it used to bother me to wear the same stuff otha ppl was wearin..i mean its impossible in this period in tyme to be completelii original in fashion..but to add your own spin to a style was a thyng i lyked to do..even now when i get off work i wear clothes that i lyke..shoes that i lyke disregardin wat other ppl may think of my style becuase it express me. but durin the day..when im workin lookin lyke everiione else is fine.
i even go so far as to try and look as squared away as possible..to make my uniform look the best it can..boots shined as best as i can everii night before i hit my rack..to keep my cover as sharp as possible..to sew buttons for 2 hours on all my uniforms to reinforce them..to do wat eva i can to look my best as a Petty Officer Third Class and show my fellow shipmates and example of wat doin small minor things to make yourself look as smart as possible in unifrom looks lyke..to care. i used to hate wearin a uniform in bootcamp..wanted my civilian clothes bakk..and when i got to my first training command after boot i couldnt wait to gain the privilege of wearin civilian clothes..and used to look for ways to cheat at lookin squared away..now i take pride in workin.. actualii puttin in tyme to look my best.
i guess its the idea that lookin good in uniform shows that you care about your appearance..that you take pride in yourself..if you dont care how your sleeves are rolled or if your boots are shinned..or if your hair looks lyke you took tyme to do it..then whii should someone else take pride in your work..or you as a person..i mean when i see someone that looks lyke a shytbag i thynk would i want that person workin with me in front of my superior..when they look lyke they dont care and i let it slide it looks lyke i dont care about them..or the image of my work center..a uniform is a funnii thyng..it creates unity between ppl where otherwise their might not have been..so when i put on my unitform i want my shipmates to see that i care about the unity as a fightin in the navy that bonds..
lol..i sound brainwashed..oh well..everiione is brainwashed about somethyn..

love and happYness

so im sittin here watchin brandy & ray j: a family and on twitter and i see a tweet from one of my ex's friends that says "11:11 make a wish" and in my head i wish for love and happYness..and i find myself wishin to be in love and to be happy with a female..but not wit aniione in particular..i mean my ex and i have been broken up for about 3 weeks now..the shyt aint goin that hawt is the area of gettin bakk togetha..and instead of wishin to be bakk wit her im wishin jus to be happilii in love with a woman that will love me bakk..accept me for who i am..and kno that she need not worrii bout the next chick cuz to me she is the best chick. and as i thought about that more and more i realized that i jus want that..and if i cant have that wit my ex then i guess i have to thynk about and move on to havin love and happYness wit some other woman..i want a navy wife and i want to be able to have someone that will be able to handle the lyfe i have chosen to live. a lyfe of deployment..long hours..stress..and lonelii nights. but much more than all of that she has to be able to be soooo secure and trustin of me because the navy will require me to be away and i love makin friends..if you cant trust me when im away or wit my friends then we cant be..because jus as much as i need a wife that will support me..love me..trust me..and be willin to be my navy wife..i need friends to round out my lyfe..i cant jus have a wife and familii..i need friends to help me thru..to talk to about my problems..and she cant let me have that and trust that i am loayal to her mentallii and sexuallii it wont work..so for awhile i am goin to be alone..jus do me and take the tyme to build myself into wat i want to become..ppl say they grow..well ima bout to build the me i want to be..take wat i am and add wat i need..hopefullii wat i become is a good woman that can become a good wife and mother..

my favorite ppl in the world..

gay boys are by far my favorite ppl in the wold wide world..i love feminine gay males..i lyke hangin out wit them..talkin wit em..clubbin wit them..all that..i didnt even realize how much i loved their companii until i joined the navy and started A school..it was then that i met M and J.. i met M first thru a girl in my school house and instantlii we became great friends i mean within 15mins of chillin we were a match made in heaven..then thru M i met J and at first me and J werent as close but after a long weekend wit both J, M, and my leszii friend Boogie we all became the perfect 4some..i tell you me and M were definatelii the closest i mean we got along so much..we spent tons of tyme togetha clubbin and jus chillin. after he left we became a 3some J, B, and I..we still did everiithyn the same but there was a void without M that we would fill ocassionallii wit a random 4th person dependin on who was available..then duh duuh dunnnn..J left and then there were 2..B and my friendship grew and we became bestfriends..still missin M and J tho..
those to gay boys introduced me to a group of ppl i had never reallii hung out wit before and since then i have found that i lyke chillin wit gay boys..but they will always be the best gay boys and the first..holdin a special place in my heart..even if we are neva re-united in the way we once were we still do our thyng on fb messages and posts..and our friendship is definatelii rooted far deeper than jus the fact that we are all queer..it is our common interest but the bond stems from an actual love for each other..my favorite ppl in the world right now outside of my familii are M..J..and B..cant wait for us to re-unite once more and do it big lyke we used to do.

lovin M..J..and B..my favorite ppl in the whole wide world!!!!

male vs. female friendships

so even before i came out i have always gotten along with men better than women..i mean they were jus always easier to talk to and chill wit..the females i knew where always tryin to be fass and that jus wasnt me..plus i was a tomboi which made it even harder for me to fit in wit girls my age.
now that i been out its even easier for me to connect with males..i mean im close to females as well but most of them are lesbians so we are more lyke familii..unless there is a strong common interest straight girls and i dont get that close..as of right now i have 2 close straight female friends and one of them jus left for the fleet. im in a class of 6 and there is onlii one other female in the class besides me..i get along great with 3 of the 4 males in the class and she and i arent reallii that close..which is crazii cuz we were in bootcamp togetha and used to be roommates and have been in 3 classes together so far..but then again she is the type of female that uses men to get out of doin her job as well as for other thyngs so i dont fux wit her at all.
but its crazii cuz all the males that i kno obviouslii kno that im gay and they seem to want to become good friends with me..at first there are tons of ?uestions about wat lesbians "do" but after that they tend to love to chill wit me..they always treat me lyke one of the boys and always have my bakk..
the thyng is i have verii few strong withstandin female friendships..i thynk its because there are so manii more emotions involved in the friendship..wit males i find that no matter how long you dont talk to them or see them when you get bakk togetha the friendship is the same..the love is the same..plus males get over arguements and fights alot easier than females..they dont hold grudges as long and dont get hung up on pettii stuff.
now i would love to have long withstanding female friends and i do actuallii have a handful which right now is enuff..i jus have a lot easier tyme chillin wit males..espcialii males in the military..they except my queerness and love me for it actuallii..its lyke that part of my lyfe makes me an honorary man to them..maybe thats whii my male friendships are easier to foster and maintain..because males except me easier and right away..everiione want to have friends that they fit in with..that take them for wat they are..and outside of queer men and women..straight men are next in line.

tyme away from the fam..

so yeah when i joined the navy i knew i would be spendin alot of tyme away from my familii..i mean its obvious that ima be far from them out to sea possiblii livin in another countrii..i have neva reallii lived away from my familii except for 2 years in college and even then i was flyin home for the holidays and summer vacation..after i left in april of 2009 o went 9 months before i saw my familii..then i onlii saw them for 6 days at christmas..
when i first got out of bootcamp it was hard not havin seen them for so long..they couldnt make it to graduation to visit so..i jus hung out with friends..
after not seeing them for 3 months i started to not reallii miss them..i mean i wished i could see them..but at the same tyme it wasnt as bad as i expected..i have started to see that no matter how much i miss them they still wont be here..and i have to continue in my training and eventuallii to the fleet..as they have to continue on with their lives..i guess im startin to shut my feelings off as much as possible in order to keep sane..i cant miss anii one person too much or the job i have to do would be compromised..
i love my famillii more than aniithyn in this whole world..its hard not to be able to feel that love the same way i used to..but its easier to not let the absence of those that love me get to me than to dwell on it..i guess this is the way i have always delt with lose..never straight on..always from an angle and the feelings surrounding that lose are always muted and pushed aside so that i never truelii deal with them..i kno they are exist and somewhere inside me..but i jus choose not to deal with them..i hope this lyfelong method of dealin with being without those i love helps me this next five year and possiblii twentii as my navy career takes off..

Bry'Nt..Porn Star2

ok so i was on gayhiphpop.com and i was in their free download tab and i ran across an artist name Bry'Nt so i downloaded his album Porn Star 2 Free from the site..and i love it.i love his flow and the way he is not afraid to incorporate the fact that he is gay and proud to be into his lyrics..my two favorite songs would have to be Beat It Up and Porn Star..definatelii be lookin out for his next album while i trii to find his first. be on the look out for him..

yoo..im confused..this blogspot joint got me trippin.wont let me message sailor taylor or subscribe to her blog..idk the shyt is weird..so sailor taylor if you kno how to message send me one..and invite me to subscribe to your blog..that is all

loss of feelings

yo since i been in the navy i have started noticin that i dont feel as much as i did when i was a civilian..i mean i miss my familii and friends from and the ones i made in the navy but not the same way i would miss ppl before i joined the navy. iguess since i been in the navy i have gotten used to the idea that ppl are goin to be constantlii comin and goin in and out of my lyfe for the next six years as well as the idea that i wont be seein my familii that often aniimore. before i joined the navy i was always able to compartmentalize my feelings..i was able to turn them on and off lyke a light switch..from the tyme i was 5 havin to deal with familii illness and the death of my grandfather i was able to jus push those feelings aside and focus that pain in productive way..i still felt it but was able to use it to drive myself..now its kinda lyke i dont feel it at all..i mean for a few days its present at the forefront of my mind..but after that its jus disappears..its crazii how in a year i have changed so much..i dont cry bout shyt aniimore..and im severelii detached from my feelings..
i can still love and feel for a female but when they leave the pain isnt as bad as it used to be..iguess when you take on a job that requires you to be away for long periods of tyme you start to learn how not to feel as much in order to protect yourself..i used to do an ok job at not feeling but now ima fukkin expert at the shyt..75% of my friends have left for the fleet and i do miss chillin, clubbin, eatin out, shoppin, and jus plain talkin to them but at the same tyme the miss is dfferent..i dont feel down or depressed after they leave..there is some type of emptiness but its less and goes away a lot faster.
twitter and facebook make it easier too..being able to talk to ppl no matter where they are and actualii see them..skype is bout to be my bestfriend..but at the same tyme i still feel some type of disconnect form my feelings..lyke they have had the volume turned down on them, muted so to speak.
i jus hope it doesnt get worse..where i dont feel nothin eitha way..guess i gotta keep myself rooted in my familii and friends so i dont alienate myself from them..i tend to do that a lot..grow apart from ppl not because i want to..iguess cuz its easier to grow apart..ppl jus loose touch ova tyme..i dont want that aniimore..i want to cultivate and grow a relationship..but i do lyke the fact that everiityme ppl leave im ok after they are gone..idk..we shall see how thyngs change once im in the fleet.

CTT3 ME!

so i been a Petty Officer since jan. 16th and the shyt is great..still in school at my trainin command a year in but the perks of bein a P.O. definantlii come shinnin thru. the pay is better for one..not by a whole lot but ever pennii counts when you work as hard as we do. in september ima be up for my second class exam and i reallii cant wait..cuz thats more money and the bank..im prettii nervous tho cuz i didnt have to take the test for third class so i have no idea wat the test is even lyke..hopefullii im at this trainin command til the test in sept. so i can go to the fleet wit the second class alreadii on me..that shyt would be the hawtest right there..but to have not been to the fleet yet im doin somethyn. shout to all the ppl thats gonna put on third this year and especiallii to everiibodii from div 221 and 220 thats gonna make third this cycle..

jus want to give a shout out to my newest follower..Sailor Taylor..follower her cuz i read her blogs and the jonts is hawt..do ya thang and good luck at bootcamp..if you got ?uestions i got answers

PICK UP THE MIC

so i jus finished watchin a documentary on netflix called PICK UP THE MIC. its about the queer hip hop movement that is slowlii gaining ground here in the U.S. other countries such as London have strong queer hip hop movements but the one in the U.S. is prettii small and under developed compared to our mainstream music industry. the hardest thyng to stomach would have to be the fact the americans are so homophobic still..they love queer ppl when we fit into the roles that they have preset for us..chefs, fashion designers, hair stylists, fashion consultants,etc but when we step into roles that make them uncomfortable they tend to reject us..such as their children, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, or late in lyfe coming out parents, their children's teachers, professional athletes, or rappers. there seems to be a lot of homophobia within the hip hop community..record labels dont want to sign queer artists especiallii not rappers.

rappers are seen and women bashin manlii men..and the idea that one might be queer sets the whole idea of wat a rapper should be out of whack. well in the documentary PICK UP THE MIC the queer hip hop scene is dissected by its pioneers and new comers to the art. its an excellent spotlight for the artists that are showcased and also shows the different perspectives of the artists..those that seek desperatelii to become famous and those the simplii want to send out a message and help queer artists obtain and maintain their voice in the community.

all in all the documentary is shot well and presents a power message of the queer community coming together to create a space for itself where one does not alreadii exist.

for more information on these artist check out these websites;

www.kastrophe.com

www.gayhiphop.com

www.phatfamily.org

one year down

Ok so one year ago yesturday i left for bootcamp and started my new career in the navy..bootcamp was crazii..i learned alot about myself and made some of the best friends i've ever had..it was easier than i expected but still verii tryin. the hardest part was being there alone..i didnt join on the buddii system so i had to support myself thru the hard stuff..after about a week i became close with a few of the females..interestinglii enuff the females i was closest wit where all straight..there were about 25-30 lesbian or bi females between my div and my brother div which is a lot considering there are onlii 80 females in the compartment..and those are onlii the ones that where out.

from the moment i got to bootcamp i didnt lie about my sexualitii..none of the petty officers or my master chief asked me but those females surelii did. it was interestin how we as the lesbian females came together..almost everiione had gfs and most of us where older..sheesh i thynk one of my rdc's was one the homo team. a lot of bootcamp was mental torture..i mean we got 8 hours of sleep a night but compared to 16 hour days there was no match..plus we where always under the constant fear of being ASMOd which is a navy term for being set back in training..that was the worst stresser of them all..the idea of havin to be sent to a new division with new recruits and rdc's was torture..plus who wants to spend more tyme in bootcamp. we did loose a lot of ppl..almost 30..some left the navy..some got hurt..and some couldnt past the swim or run.

i myself had trouble with the swim..well the prone float to be more specific. this survival technique was my achilles heal..havin to float slash tred water for 5 mins in this navy created technique was the hardest thyng i have ever done..tryin to float in the middle of the 12 ft end killed me..i had to go back and forth to the pool 6 additional tymes before i finallii passed. the crazii thyng is that mostlii onlii the black ppl couldnt pass. there where hardlii anii other races at the pool tryin to earn their 3rd class swim qualification. im tellin you right now..if you plan on goin into the navy before you go to bootcamp learn to prone float..not being able to pass the swim test limits the jobs you can hold in your division to the ones that dont require you to be there all the tyme. i was laundry p.o. which was the most tyme consuming job ever...its crazii the ways the navy wants you to clean a washer and dryer..and wrappin the cord on an iron. but i digress..the 3rd class swim qualification consists of steppin off a 10 ft. platform and swimming 50m..in anii style except competition backstroke..a five minute prone float(the hardest part) and the coverall float which takes lyke 10secs to perfect. the whole division goes within the first week of training and then if you dont pass you try again that day and if you dont pass that you go everiiday except saturday and sunday for the next 6 weeks..if you dont pass that you get put on 6-5 hold til you do. i refused to be on 6-5 so i passed within the first week.

while in bootcamp alot of things happened..a few fights..ppl fallin out..found out one girl was pregnant two weeks in..she got sent home wit a quickness..but the biggest scandal all thru bootcamp was when one of the petty officers of my brotha div asked their yeoman who all the lesbians in the div where..and the stupid ass yeoman told her..so here we are almost out of bootcamp and this bitch is bout 30 ppl page 13's..let me take a minute to explain exactlii wat a page 13 is..it is a legal document that is signed for anii thing..you sign a shyt ton of them throughout your career and its basicallii sayin that you agree to wateva is on the paper..but they can also be bad..because if you are found to be a homosexual in the navy and they dont kick you out they make you sign a page 13..which outlines wat they found out about you..how and wat act or acts you are being accused of committing..that the bad part..because aniione with access to your service record can read it..so everiityme you go to a new command everiione will be watchin you extra close to see if you fukk up. so here we are pissed..they tryin to give us page 13's but we aint havin it we was bout to go to the top of our chain of command and bust that ass bout her breakin Dont Ask Dont Tell policy..so they ended up droppin all the page 13's if we didnt say aniithyng to the command..there was soooo much drama in our my div and brotha div..but overall the 2 months flew by and then we all went our seperate ways and i havent seen my two besties in almost a year..

i miss those days alot..sometymes i wish i could go bakk and redo tho two months jus to be able to spend that tyme wit my friends again..onlii cuz i kno we wont eva be lyke we were for those 2 little months in the spring.

DADT Amended NOT Repealed

Ok so i been in the navy for almost a year and Obama has been in office for two..yet and still he has not repealed the Dont Ask Dont Tell policy. Pres. Obama got a lot of votes from the gay community and i for one havin started my process of joinin the navy and swearin in jus 15 days after he was voted into office was happii to hear that he was verii interested in doin away wit DADT..and now havin been in the navy all this tyme i reallii am started to wonder if he is goin to make good on his word. i kno there are a tons of ppl fightin to keep DADT on the books sayin that the entire infrastructure of the military would fall apart if homosexuals could serve openlii..but guess wat..we usualii do in alot of branches.

the main reason i want DADT to be repealed is so that my wife and her children can receive benefits jus lyke the wives an husbands of my heterosexual counterparts. i kno that wont happen right away..but eventuallii i see where our rights can go. homosexuals have been proud, fightin, courageous, stedfast members of the military since its inception..gives the right to serve without the fear of an unjust discharge. i dont want to throw my sexuality in the faces of heterosexuals i jus want to be able to serve without the fear that i can be discharge simplii for who i love. Pres. Obama needs to protect the rights of all americans not jus the majority.

its been awhile

ok so its been over a year since my last post..lyfe has been movin fast. i have been in three relationships since i left for bootcamp..lets take it from the top.

so before i left for bootcamp and ex of mine rented a hotel for me since i was shippin out of maryland and my familii doesnt live there aniimore. durin the two weeks that i was in maryland i met a girl thru a friend that i fell for fast..she was five years younger than me but she was soo cute and mature..so i thought. i was sneakin around doin some dirtii ass shyt using my ex car without tellin her that i was usin to see this girl that i wanted to get involved with. well the night i left for bootcamp my ex went to see this girl and told her we were still togetha.. long story short i get a "Dear John" letter at bootcamp that breaks my moral..especiallii since i have been writin her 5 page letters everii night. i got over it fast though..three days later and that whole ordeal was forgotten..tyme moves so fast when your in that environment..when your up and busii for 16 hours a day the outside world onlii exists in your dreams and the letters you get from home.

the ironic thing about my division and brother Div in bootcamp was that there were alot of gay or bisexual females..we were lyke a familii..there was even a couple that joined on the buddii system. we were all out also..i thought i would have to hide who i was and who i chose to love when actuallii no one hide it. aniiway thats another blog.

after bootcamp and tons of craziiness i was sent to pensacola, florida for my A and C schools to learn my job..i wasnt the onlii one that came..about 30 of us in all..once we got here we all became and even closer familii being in a new place and that is how i found out that one of the girls i had onlii spoke to once in bootcamp was bi..i dont normallii date bi girls..but she was different so we started dating spendin all our tyme together, but being verii discrete..eventho there were tons of lesbians in the barracks where i stayed..well there turned out to be alot of hate in the air because we got snitched on..but the worst part about it was that some of our so called "familii" were not goin to tell us they were jus gonna let us get kicked out in order to keep from gettin caught up in the punishment..but one tru friend told me everiithyng and we adverted the near disaster of a page 13 and possible discharge..we played it real cool after that for the remainder of the tyme she was here..her school ended way before mine..we tried long didstance..but it didnt work..and eventuallii we fell thru lyke a soggy paper bag full of apples and oranges.

after her i was single for awhile and then decided it was tyme to not be afraid aniimore and try thyngs our wit a young lady i had known for quite some tyme..almost a year..now i had hurt this girl several tymes over the course of that near year and i regretted everii single tyme..but i was tired of runnin from wat i thought would be the perfect girl. we had been great friends used to spend 8 to 10 hours on the phone together i mean i told her thyngs i never told aniione..and i had never met her in person. eventho i had never seen her except in pictures i knew that i loved her..thus we started a relationship..she even came to visit me 3 tymes flyin all the way down from MD and spendin long weekends locked away in a hotel room. we had our ups and downs but we were strong..until i met a friend a civilian girl, B. thru one of my navy lesbian friends..at first we werent to cool but then we became bestfriends..B. was cool we get along reallii well one of the perks to her is that she isnt leavin aniityme soon and she has other gay friends that help me escape my military lyfe on the weekends..well my gf at the tyme didnt lyke my friendship wit B. long story short she couldnt take it and broke up wit me two weeks ago after over a year of friendship and almost 3 months of being lovers. it was crazii cuz this relationship was the hardest to get over after my verii first gf..but at the same tyme im soooo detached from my feelings of ppl leaving me due to being away from my familii for nine months and all my friends in the navy comin and goin im not all broke up over the break up..but i am feelin a bit emptii.

the crazii thyng is that i am still in love with her and miss her..but she doesnt feel the same about me so i must move on..i guess i wrong to think i had become one of the luckii ppl that find there true love at a young age..

well thats all for now..nothin new..my next blog will be a look bakk at the past year in the navy